It's not them. It's me.
I don't give two shits about my npc or the players need to murder him.
I don't give two shits about whether I'm 'breaking rules' to let my character survive.
I don't give two shits if viewers are butt hurt about points, or whether I'm paying attention to them or not, or whether or not the game is even going well right now.
I won't accept any back talk from anyone regarding the game, or any input at this time regarding much in my life at the moment.
I'm not going to mince words, or be nice about it, but I am going to address it so people understand.
I'm not infallible, and I'm in my own fresh private hell.
I don't know if folks think that I should be able to 'take it' or 'accept it' or some such jargon, but those people need to get this through their head: I'm a human being who is going through a really really dark patch and I'm kind of alone on it.
"But you're never alone."
Oh I'm very alone, but who gives a shit about that, look: everyone who comes into my channel has their own issues, and I'm not saying they're not entitled to them. I'm also saying I'm entitled to my own issues and if folks don't want to share their time with me, who can blame them. I'm a fucking curmudgeon right now and I make no apology for it. I'm not looking for someone to solve my problems, but you're going to have to accept that I'm not in a good mood, and I'm very much doing my best.
A month ago I was hopping into random channels watched by my viewers and spreading the love because I had the time and resources to do it. Now I'm far on the other end of the spectrum.
"Take a holiday."
First off, fuck your advice. Second, I love doing what I do, but it's hard for me to keep my cool and frankly, I'm tired of keeping my cool. I'm going to be me. That's not always a nice person who smells like roses. Sometimes, I'm just a really shitty person who is having a bad time, and if people can understand that, then we can all get along.
To my players I say this: I run game every Friday. I have operated it under all sorts of duress and sometimes my best games have come from a place of personal adversity and tension; regardless I am there, with plans, with details.
I'm not perfect, but I do what I can with what I have, and right now, that's in limited supply. You can help by knowing what the fuck is going on. If I ask you what do you do and you need a complete recap of literally every detail from start to finish, then what are you doing at the table? Quit talking over me and pay attention to what is going on. I'm not running a social club, I'm operating a round of Dungeons & Dragons.
To my viewers I say this: I run game every Friday and invite people to fuck with it. Sometimes I'm more accepting then others and sometimes I don't want to hear boo in the middle of my game, no matter how justified you think it is. If you think I should be accepting of troll behaviour at any interlude, then you have no business being in my channel, period. No other channel puts up with it. Why would I? Would you put up with it?
"It's just a game! Chill!"
Football is just a game. Hockey is just a game. These games have resulted in millions of dollars worth of property damage because a few people couldn't take a loss. Or a win for that matter!
If you're really a fan, or a friend, you'll accept that I'll get back to my old jovial self in due course, but right now, shit is hard and I'm dealing with it as best I can. I'm not Keanu Reeves, or T'Challa Udaku, I'm not a cool and collected customer. At this point in my life, I'm a pent up Vesuvius of a man and everyone around me is Pompei.
So no, Ix isn't getting killed off because of one stupid fucking spell and my lack of a disintegration, I don't give a flying fuck. Prissmahl has a ring of haste, Ix has a ring of blink, and the shard is a homing beacon slash crystal ball. Players declare that I get the make things up, but players seem to forget that literally EVERYTHING is being made up as I go. I'm trying to be fair about it but it gets to a point where my apathy now outweighs my need to be sensible. I don't have every detail of my characters figured out ahead of time and frankly, I'm not going to. I'll do my best, but it only goes so far. At a certain point, bully. It is what it is.